Failed Mothers / Nicholas Ilechie

Not all mothers mean well for their daughters or kids yet the life of a daughter is often tied to that of her mother.

As much as a mother's love may be great, some mothers are destroyed by their past and because of the failure to correct their past, they destroy the future of their offspring.

They find it hard to understand what it means to be a mother and rather than help their daughters achieve a good life they destroy their daughters' lives as theirs was, consciously or unconsciously.

One of the reasons this happens is because of the limited communication and friendship most daughters experience with their mothers, mothers don't tell their kids about their past life and mistakes and how they were able to fix it if they ever did... as they sometimes think less of their children and expect only their children to learn from them than a reciprocated friendship, they do not take into advice or time to learn from their children as they believe to know it all "What do you know, you are only just a child" such let down destroys the life of the child into believing "I really don't know anything" even when sometimes the child may be right and the parent wrong, the toxicity of a mother is quickly transferred to her child and even when the child tries to break free and distance herself from her mother - she never truly does as she’s only a child, on her own she really cannot without the help of another mother.

Most of us only know our mothers to be our parents or providers; we don't know their past or how they handled their youthful lives, we never had that communication with them because often they are always busy with responsibilities or we refrain from such.

Yet we expect them to give us good and helpful advice, when they too may have failed in their time and still suffering from the failure as they never truly healed from their past mistakes.

As a daughter before you idolize or make your parents your mentor or go-to advice person. Learn to talk to your parents as a fellow human or a friend and remove the sight of Parenthood from it, study their ways, they are also humans like you with stories and ongoing life, they have difficulties and challenges how do they handle them? they make mistakes too, do they see their mistakes? how do they respond to their wrongs? do they pride themselves on their wrongs? or accept it and correct it in humility leading by example? --- Many of us are scared of our parents, having fear isn't bad but the fear should be like that of God, a clean and pure one that brings reverence and is reciprocated with love, and also does not intimidates or frightens. Just the same way you keep the fear of God at heart yet talk to Him as a father and as a friend, do so also with your parents.

- but many of us don't know our parents 😅😅😅 --- if you sincerely put in the effort to try and you find it hard to relate with your parents then it might be that, you don't have a good mother or you have a problem and if you truly search yourself and you know its not your faults then it has to be the prior case. But if you try and she welcomes you and is pleased to talk with you about life and also open to hearing from you then you do have a good mother.

A good mother should be willing to discuss with her child without pride or contempt, a good mother should be able to recognize her faults and past mistakes, and apologize sincerely to her child when wrong. A good mother must be open to new understanding and the joy of her child, a good mother should love what her child loves, a good mother must sincerely seek what's best for her child and respect her child's desires even when it may not be hers, as a good mother must know and respect the fact that her child also has a mind of her own and also sees life differently. A good mother is a blessing from God and a good mother isn't necessarily the one who gave birth to you.

As a daughter it's very important to get a mother who you truly know is dependable and who means well for you, we often know when our mothers aren't good but we overlook it and are blind to the thoughts of blood and titles “she's my mother why would she mean evil towards me” and that destroys us as it blinds us from reality.

Many daughters as kids never experienced quality motherly love and that destroyed them much more than they know, it affects the way they view life, how they view love, how they shape relationships with others, and most especially their self-esteem and how they envision their future self.

Some are lucky to have good elder siblings and experienced sisters who save them and act as their foster mothers but not many are.

Some are born as first daughters who may never have that opportunity, and some also being failed first daughters may destroy the lives of their younger ones who depend on them and the cycles continue starting from the mother.

As kids, we are often free-spirited and know when we are loved or despised and we are quick to address it even if it ends us being flogged or punished, but as adults, we overlook and neglect and find too many reasons to justify mistreatments and negativity, and overlooking all these ends terribly for us.

A wise man once said “as kids, we look like our parents but as adults, we look like our decisions”
Anonymous

And that's because as kids we have no choice but to do what our parents tell us, we try to please them always, but as adults, we have the right to decide for ourselves regardless if it pleases our parents or not and a chance to fix our lives.

As kids, we may make mistakes and have our youthful days to correct them, but as a youth when we make mistakes it may take a lifetime to correct them as the days of youthfulness runs quickly with responsibilities abound.

Yet all of our life depends on the decisions we make in our youthful days.

Still feels like yesterday, I clocked 20, and now already in my late 20s. How time flies😅

You can't change your biological mother and as such you must honor her as the Bible teaches but you can get a foster mother whose advice and guidance you take in shaping your life.

Everyone needs someone in their lives to achieve greatness and go through life as not many of us are blessed with wisdom and a discerning spirit and even those blessed still seek higher knowledge😅 as they too know they know nothing.

Relying on self-knowledge or online therapy may help a little but also limited to your sight and how much you know about life, your limitations may not do you much good, but having an accessible person who is a good and wise person, much more experienced in life than you, whom you can share your secrets, worries, fears, challenges and seek advice from would do you great help and ensure this person lives an exemplary life.

In one word “A confidant”- such a person would help you go through life and guide you to better decision-making and save you wasted years and future regrets even when you don't see it...

There's an old African saying “what an elder may see while seated a child may never see it even if he climbs the tallest iroko tree”
Anonymous

Such is true.

The best gift a daughter can have is a good mother and if she wasn't favored with such, then the best gift she can give to herself is to find one.

Still your favorite writer

Klaus 🍼👶🏼